Focus

It is indiscriminate.  It will sneak up slowly, like a predator stalking its prey.  It studies weaknesses so it can strike when and where it hurts most.  It is paralyzing fear coupled with complete hopelessness and the worst internal aching imaginable.  You wish you could turn off your mind, so you could have a moment to reset, one shred of normalcy, a second of respite from the fucking torment you put yourself through every day.  Overthinking is an everyday thing; anxiety has its hands around your neck and tightens its grip at will, completely disabling your ability to breath.  The air catches in your throat when you try to inhale to normalize your breathing, and it ends up becoming a quivering whimper.  You literally choke because of the chest tightness. You constantly feel like you are going to die.

You’re not good enough.  Your life is a fucking joke.  You have no respect for yourself because you think you’re leagues behind everyone else.  What do others have that you so covet?  Since you don’t see their everyday struggles, you assume they’ve got their lives together, and you wish to hell that you had that same “normal” aura about you.

Forget hobbies, spending time with friends or family, cleaning your house, or even simply keeping up with your personal care.  All your energy is devoted to reminding yourself that you are nothing but garbage.  You go to bed exhausted and wake up exhausted.  For a moment, that time between waking up and regaining total consciousness, you are free. Your mind has not yet begun racing with the non-truths that fill your head.  You know these things are not true but damn if you don’t believe them anyways.  The simplest thing can set you off; you could have been doing well in suppressing the self-loathing thoughts, but it takes just one snag to completely unravel the entire sweater and all the terrible thoughts that you have been overpowering are now running amok.  It feels like The Simpsons episode where Mr. Burns goes for a checkup and the doctor tells him that a myriad of diseases are basically stuck in the doorway to his body, and the slightest breeze could kill him, though this is markedly less humorous.

There are unspeakable evils that swirl around my head regularly and I fight like hell to keep them in check.  Some days I lose that battle and it feels like a piece of my heart dies.  I can’t stop it. No amount of reassurance from someone will ever rid me of these feelings.  It is very appropriate that Asleep in the Deep by Mastodon started playing as I type this paragraph, because a line in the song goes:

The demons, they all went away

Be careful they're only asleep for a while

Pretending there's nothing to say

This is what is feels like to live with mental illness.  This is what it feels like to worry constantly, about things that have happened, that will happen, and that will never happen.  There are scenarios that play out in my mind without ceasing.  I imagine things that will never happen but believe they’re real or could happen.  I don’t know the last time I was without anxiety, where I didn’t struggle with self-hatred, or where I was truly happy. The demons only sleep.

I have generalized anxiety.  I have depression.  I have PTSD.  I have an eating disorder. I have days where I want to kill myself.  My brain is constantly fighting my body.  I am not alone in this fight, but I feel like I am.  I have never been without love but for most of my life, I have never loved myself.  I know that I am cared for, but some days I don’t care if I’m alive to see another day.  If you’ve never struggled with these issues, it can be difficult to wrap your mind around them and be supportive in a way that doesn’t come across as completely unhelpful.  I cannot take another person telling me, “It’ll be okay! Just think positive and good things will happen!”  Bullshit platitudes are not a suitable treatment for mental illnesses, even if they’re said with the best intentions.

The deaths of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain are unfortunate reminders that suicide sometimes feels like the only alternative.  While I am fully aware that it is not a suitable way to deal with the pitfalls of life, it feels like it might be the right way to go when you’re backed into a corner in your mind.  Talking to someone can help, but it’s difficult to find someone to talk to that will understand what you’re going through.

I know that people love me, but try as one might, nobody can make me love myself.  That is where the issue lies and until I can find a way to fix that, I will continue to silently struggle with a smile on my face because that’s how I do things.  It’s gotten me through almost 32 years of life so far, but I know that I need help.  Thankfully I have a support system who has yet to give up on me, and I finally realize that my mental health is more important than school, any job, hobbies, or anyone that isn’t Kerri.  I must learn to put myself first because nobody else will. Becoming well is going to be a struggle but I need to put in the effort because I owe it to myself and everyone that cares about me.

It’s going to be difficult, but I’ll live.